The great oral debate
So there's been this raging controversy in the feminist blogosphere about whether women performing oral sex on men is inherently degrading. Normally I'd stay out of a discussion like this, because 1) it's not exactly a burning political issue; and 2) boy, did I get enough of these kinds of pointless arguments as an undergraduate. Just thinking about M., who actually wrote a thesis on whether a feminist could justify doin' it in the missionary position, makes my eyes start to roll back into my head.
But with so many people having so many strong reactions about it (162 comments at Pandagon! Over 200 at instigating blog I Blame the Patriarchy!), I can't resist commenting. I realize that many people don't give a damn or might be offended, so my take is behind the cut.
Obviously I'm speaking for myself here, as I'm pretty sure Texas NOW has no official position on this particular subject.
First of all, as someone who was repeatedly forced to go down on a rapist during a sexual assault and who had to work hard to take back her sexuality afterward, gosh, there's just nothing I like more than watching non-survivors blather about which sex acts are inherently oppressive and which pass ideological muster with Big Sister. Piss off. You don't know from degrading.
And anyone seriously asserting that any sexual act has only one meaning, or that any social act has one inherent meaning in our postmodern symbol scape... well, honeybunch, I've got a reading list to suggest to you.
This all sounds very familiar to anyone familiar with the so-called "sex wars" in the '80s and '90s. Is it okay for lesbians to use dildos or does that make them straight? If a woman enjoys porn, likes to be tied up, or has an orgasm in the missionary position, does that mean she's internalized her own oppression? What kind of sex is okay, anyway? *sigh* Here's my answer: whatever kind is consensual and safe. The idea that sex is icky (read: and only stinky, savage boys want it) is the Victorian hangover from the Romantic binge, and it's hugely sexist. It's just the Good Girl side of the virgin-whore coin. Forget that crap. We've got bodies and minds, and neither one can exist without the other.
When I was physically forced to perform this particular act by a man who was bigger and stronger, that was sexist oppression. When Serious Boyfriend #3 cajoled me into doing it and I let myself get pushed into it because he was cooler and older, that was sexist oppression. Every other time I've done it, it wasn't. I have worked damn hard to create egalitarian spaces in my sexual relationships with men, and that matters. Context matters.
It's true that we can never completely leave culture at our bedroom doors, but you know what? Just because it ain't perfect doesn't mean it ain't a good start. Feminist theory is great, but it's got to be translated into feminist practice or what we have is a critical approach, not a social movement. No, I haven't created a perfect feminist utopia in my queen-sized bed, but my sweetie and I have made a space where we meet each other as equals, and whenever one of us fails to live up to that, he or she is gently told to shape the hell up. I do believe that the personal is political, but the political is also personal. When you say that something I do with my darling feminist boy is inherently oppressive, disregarding the fact that I experience it as a loving erotic exchange, you are discounting my experience and telling me I'm too stupid to know when the Big Bad Patriarchy has me under its thumb. You don't get to tell another woman that her experience isn't real or doesn't count and call that feminist analysis. Now, would you people go read some Susie Bright already?
For any lady who gets physically pushed into going down when she doesn't want to, honey, unless he's armed with an actual deadly weapon, two words: bite down. If you're with someone who tries to manipulate you into doing it, call him on it! It's not your job to get him off - any more than it's his job to do that for you. If he won't let it go, then get up, get dressed, and exit. He doesn't deserve your fine feminist ass. Guys, if you bargain, wheedle, or whine, you're a jackass; and if you physically push, you're a criminal. Quit it. "I want" is not the same thing as "you have to." Learn to take no for an answer and stop for an order. (If you're a nice guy who doesn't do any of this and knows how to treat a woman right, then you may qualify for my official Date-Worthy Boy stamp.)
But here's my real problem with this, the reason I was too irritated to post about this at first: judgmental wankfests like this are exactly why lots of people think feminists/isms are irrelevant. The Folks Out There think that this is what feminists do: sit around endlessly debating the ideological purity of various actions well within the bounds of 'normal' life - and usually finding them Wrong. Is it any wonder that so many people who hold feminist beliefs are reluctant to claim the feminist label?
Certainly I'm all for symbolic analysis. I'm down with the cultural studies approach, that ideology is lived experience and everything can be considered as a text. It's so much sexier when French folks do it, true, but for the health of our TV-obsessed culture, it's also something we should get good at.
So let's do that. Let's get better at it. Let's imagine what a truly equal, loving relationship between a man and a woman can be. Let's imagine that by living it, creating it as we go along. I've been doing that every day for the last nine years, in this uncharted territory with the person I love, and sometimes my mouth is full while I'm doing it. If you've got a problem with that, okey-doke. I'll just be over here, having more fun than you.